The Shinobi's Guide to Training
by Kaori
Summary: It's not over yet! The sixth Shinobi's Guide is here! Be prepared for craziness as we explore bizarre training methods and yes there will be references to other anime and manga, hint hint
1. Chapter 1

I honestly don't know how many more of these silly things I have left in me, but I shall try to make it as entertaining as possible. So to kick things off, one of my all-time favorite Naruto parody lines…

"We covered Kakashi in crack! Hell yeah!"

The Shinobi's Guide to Training

Part One: Prelude to Psychosis

By Kaori

It is no great secret that in order to master a technique training is necessary. Some methods of training are simple, but effective, others push the body to their absolute limits, and others are so bizarre that it seems the damage far outstrips any benefits one may get from them.

Take the training for the Lotus technique for instance. Sure, you gain an insane amount of speed and the attacks themselves do a lot of damage, but the toll it takes on your muscle tissue is so severe that it should only be used as an attack of last resort.

Then there's Jiraiya's peeping jutsu, which requires the initiate to peep on nubile young women while they are bathing to acquire stealth (presumably the training is complete when you can do it without being caught). The method is incredibly questionable as the only other person who learned it nearly died of blood loss (some people are born perverts, others have perversion thrust upon them) and was almost killed by numerous women during the training phase.

Neither of these training methods hold a candle to the bizarre, scary, and insane training methods found in a training manual that, until now, has remained unopened in Konoha's library…

Hatake Kakashi, genius jounin and Icha Icha Paradise fan, was on a self-imposed mission. His team of cute genins were getting bored with tree-climbing and taijutsu practice, and were demanding more interesting training. Unfortunately, Kakashi didn't really have anything he could teach them at their current level and just using the methods Yondaime had used to train him and his old team weren't going to work here.

Walking through the aisles, he lazily eyed the various books and scrolls on the shelves. "Too advanced…too simple….can't use that because of Sakura…that's against the law…Naruto's not quite ready for that one yet…that technique's ineffective…they can learn that when they become jounin...oooh…no, that's perverted even for me…." It wasn't going well and then, he spotted it. "Eh, what's this?" he took the book off of the shelf and flipped through it. He smiled. "Perfect."

Team 7 was waiting, as usual, for their chronically late sensei. Really, by now they should know better than to show up anywhere on time when Kakashi was concerned. The man would be late to his own funeral (1).

"I swear if he isn't here in the next thirty seconds I'm going to kill him." Inner-Sakura ranted. Naruto and Sasuke, unable to hear her continued to glare at everything in general. Kakashi finally made an appearance.

"Yo!"

"YOU'RE LATE!" screamed Naruto and Sakura.

"Sorry, I was looking up new training for you and it took longer than I expected."

"LIAR!"

"Ah, but this time it isn't a lie." Eye-smiled Kakashi, taking out the manual. "Follow me, for your first training exercise we're going to need a tranquil environment."

_What is Kakashi up to? We'll find out next time. What kind of training is in that manual? Most likely it involves lots of mental (and physical) scarring. Will there be references to other anime in this story? Of course. Is the author completely out of her mind? No but she's getting there. Keep your pants on! The Shinobi's Guide to Training is comin' at ya, dattebayo!_

(1) Technically you are _supposed_ to be late to your own funeral. After all, being buried alive is scary.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm not sure anyone will guess which series this training exercise comes from so I'll tell you at the end of the fic. And no skipping ahead to the end to find out! The ceiling cat is watching joo!

Another silly blurb: If I sleep with you will you go away?

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Two: Purity of Mind  
By Kaori

Training Ground 67 is a beautiful clearing bordered on one side by a waterfall feeding a river of clear water teeming with fish and by flowering shrubs, trees and bushes on the other three sides. It was here that Kakashi brought his team for their first session of new training.

"First things first, take off your clothes…"

"SUKEBE!" screamed the genins and threw kunai at him. Kakashi wisely jumped into a tree.

"Let's try this again. Go into those bushes on the right and take off your clothes. You'll find something more suitable for you to wear back there. When you're done getting changed I'll explain the exercise."

Half expecting to find lingerie and other suggestive clothing they were relieved (and maybe a little disappointed) to find simple, gray training gi waiting innocently on top of a rock. Once they'd changed clothes, they returned to find Kakashi standing in the middle of the clearing wearing a white gi and holding a gigantic paper fan.

"Now that we're all here I'll explain. This training has several benefits: first it teaches you how to clear your mind of all unnecessary thoughts, especially the more perverse ones."

"You and Naruto are the only ones who have perverse thoughts…" mumbled Sakura. "not like Sasuke-kun." Immediately her mind drifted into a Sasuke-filled ecchi fantasy. Hypocrite in lemon sauce anyone?

"Secondly, this exercise will teach you discipline." Kakashi continued. "A ninja is one who is able to endure what others cannot (1). You will sit on the rocks in front of the waterfall and meditate, and you must stay in that position until lunchtime. Any questions?" Naruto raised his hand.

"Um, sensei, what's with the fan?" Kakashi's response was an eye-smile.

The three took their places facing the roaring waterfall, took a deep breath, closed their eyes, and began.

We'll start with Sasuke because he's sitting closest to the Fourth Wall.

"My mind is clear, my thoughts are clear. Clear the mind and the way becomes clear. My mind is my own. I am in control. I am (must kill Itachi) master of my own (must kill Itachi) thoughts. I…must kill Itachi, must kill Itachi, must kill Itachi…and Neji now that I think about it. Damn Hyuuga…"

SMACK!

"Ow!" yelped Sasuke and he fell forward into the cold water. Kakshi watched as the raven-haired boy came up spluttering for air. "What was that for?"

"You were having murderous thoughts." Kakashi said simply. "When your mind starts to turn towards unproductive trains of thought I will derail them by smacking you with this fan here. Now, back up on your rock Sasuke."

"Ha! Suck on that, teme!" Thought Naruto.

SMACK!

"Waagh!" SPLASH!

"Schadenfreude (2) is bad for your soul Naruto." chided Kakashi.

Twenty minutes later…

SMACK!

"Aah!" SPLASH!

"Sakura, stop having impure thoughts about Sasuke."

Fifteen minutes later.

SMACK! SPLASH!

"Naruto stop thinking about ramen."

"How did you know!" protested the blonde.

"You were chanting the different ramen flavors under your breath and drooling."

Forty minutes later…

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!

"You three can plot revenge on your own time."

For a few hours it seemed as if the trio had managed to quiet the storm in their minds and meditate. Until…

SMACK! SMACK! SPLASH! SPLASH!

"No sleeping Naruto, Sasuke."

Around 10:45 all three genins finally got the hang of the exercise so Kakashi decided it was time to up the ante a bit…

Naruto concentrated on thinking of a clear sky and fluffy clouds. "Now I see why Shikamaru likes to look at clouds all day, it's actually kind of relaxing." He thought. "And I can't hear the damn fox anymore so he's either asleep or given up trying to make Kakashi-sensei hit me."

"Naaaaarutooooooo…" a gentle voice called.

"Eh?" he looked around the scenic landscape he had created in his mind and saw nothing.

"Naaaaarutoooooo…." Again the voice like a whisper on the wind.

"I'm hearing things. Hmmm…maybe I've reached that Shen (3) stage or whatever it's called and some guy with long ears (4) is going to show up and hand over the enlightenment (5)." A light approached him, small at first but getting bigger until…

"Naaaarutooooo…" it revealed itself to be a naked Sakura.

Out in the real world, Naruto fell into the water in shock (and titillation) saving Kakashi the trouble of hitting him.

"Tsk, I expected the creator of Oiroke no Jutsu to be more resilient to such things." Chided Kakashi.

"I hate you so much right now…" gurgled Naruto from the water.

Let's check on Sakura now…

The pink-haired one was picturing a meadow full of flowers and was counting them.

"Forty-seven thousand, three hundred and ninety-two, forty-seven thousand, three hundred and ninety-three…"

"Oh Sasuke, we shouldn't do this, what if somebody sees us."

Sakura stopped counting. Was that Ino's voice she just heard?

"And what of it? I want the whole world to see how much I love you."

And that was Sasuke's voice. What the hell was going on? As if answering her unuttered question, her mind focused on the scene of Sasuke and Ino on a blanket and Sasuke was playing snuzzlebunnies (6).

Sakura suddenly jumped up from her rock and roared "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" SMACK! "YEEEK!" SPLASH!

"Goodness Sakura, what _were_ you thinking about?" Kakashi said, idly waving the paper fan.

"You…you used a genjutsu on me!" she wailed.

"How observant of you."

"That's cheating!"

"Is it? The enemy isn't going to care so why should I? We're ninjas, it's only cheating when non-shinobi do it."

Sasuke wasn't doing much better than his teammates. He had finally managed _not_ to think of killing Itachi (or Neji) and then _this_ happened…

"Sasuke-kun, please pass the salt." Orochimaru said from his place at the table. This wouldn't be nearly as disturbing if he wasn't wearing a frilly, pink apron dress. Worse still, Kabuto (wearing a pair of baggy pants and a blue t-shirt) was sitting next to him as if this was all perfectly normal, reading the newspaper. Sasuke looked at himself and noticed he was wearing a pair of green shorts and a white t-shirt. Too stunned to do anything else, he did as he was asked and handed the salt to Orochimaru.

"Mom, dad, I'm home!" a voice Sasuke really didn't want to hear called from the door.

"Itachi-kun, you're just in time for dinner. Kabuto-kun, put the newspaper away."

"Yes'm." said Kabuto.

Itachi walked in dressed in a pair of jeans and a white, button-up shirt and sat down next to Sasuke. Now he was starting to freak out.

"What the fuck?"

"Sasuke! Language!" chided Orochimaru. "Did you have fun, Itachi-kun?"

"Yes. I didn't think the movie would be that interesting but I actually enjoyed it." Said Itachi. "Kabuto, pass the corn."

"Get it yourself." Snapped Kabuto.

"Are you still mad about the frog I put in your bed?"

"Shut up!"

"Now boys, be nice." Orochimaru said. "And Itachi I told you not to put things in your brothers' beds. Really, you're too old to be doing things like that."

"What the hell! You're not our mom!" yelled Sasuke. "And Kabuto's not even related to us!" he waved a hand negligently towards Itachi.

"Sasuke, I'm not going to tell you again, watch your mouth."

"The hell I will!"

"Hey, don't cuss at mom!" glared Kabuto.

"You can shut up too!"

"Sasuke," Orochimaru said gravely. "did something happen today? You know you can always talk to me." Sasuke wasn't sure when the man in drag had started hugging him, but he was sure he didn't want to be in this position.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" SMACK! SPLASH! Sasuke jumped up and looked around like a hunted rabbit. "What! Where! Where are they?"

"Hmm…I may have gone too far again." Hummed Kakashi.

"You bastard…" You could cut the killing intent with a knife. Fortunately for Kakashi, the alarm went off signaling that it was time for lunch.

"Well, our time is up. Training resumes tomorrow." And before his students could throttle him, Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke.

_Today's training was taken from the Martian Successor Nadesico anime and the No Need for Tenchi manga. I changed the stick used to a paper fan in this chapter because I like the idea of the gigantic paper fan._

1) Flame of Recca quote.

2) Schadenfreude is the term for taking pleasure in other people's misfortune (like laughing your head off when someone trips and falls down the stairs). Most people have this guilty pleasure.

3) Naruto means Zen. I'm doing a throwback on the "Catra" pun from the series.

4) Buddha. Most of the pictures and statues I've seen of Buddha depict him with long ears. I'm not a Buddhist so I don't really know if that's right or not.

5) Strangely enough, some people really think you can be given enlightenment like you can be given a sweater.

6) He's basically rubbing his face in Ino's chest.

Notes to the Faithful:-

To Clark Cradic (who I seem to direct a lot of A/Ns to…): I'm not familiar with that series. I'll check it out after I'm through with Desert Punk.

To –Bista- : Patience…patience. All will be revealed in time… like a good strip-tease.

To The Violent Tomboy: "Should" nothing. Ranma ½ is the main reason behind this story. Naturally there are going to be references to it. No Jusenkyo I'm afraid. Ryoga might make an appearance though…

To llshadowmakerll: To be honest, I have no idea. I write these things on the spur of the moment (although I am leaning towards including Gai and his team in this).

To those just joining us: Welcome! Where have you been the last five stories?


	3. Chapter 3

Put away the porn! It's time for more of…

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Three: Use the Force!  
By Kaori

Bright and early the next morning Team 7 was back at their new training spot. Kakashi, was on time for once. "How suspicious", thought the genin. Yesterday's training was aggravating, what will today bring? Why do they get the feeling it will be similar? (1)

"All right students, today you will be learning how to use the power of your mind to connect with the world around you and sense the changes." Said Kakashi. At any rate, this training builds on the principles of yesterday's exercise. You must keep a clear mind throughout."

"What happens if we don't?" asked Sakura, Kakashi threw a rock at her head. "OW!"

"That happens." Eye-smiled Kakashi. "I have several bags of rocks of various sizes here which I will be throwing at you. You must dodge them all…."

"Heh, this will be easy." Snorted Sasuke.

"…blindfolded." Finished Kakashi. "If you get hit even once I will make you pick up the rocks I've already thrown."

"EEEEHHH?" exclaimed Sakura and Naruto.

"I feel ridiculous." Muttered Sasuke. "And this blindfold itches."

"Yes, but think how ridiculous you'd feel if you had to do this naked." Said Kakashi.

"Naked!" yelled Sakura.

"Well, the manual does recommend the trainees to be naked but it's not mandatory." There was an awkward moment of silence and then…. "Think fast!"

Rocks flew all around. Kakashi didn't bother throwing them one at a time pelting them with handful upon handful of rocks. He didn't even stop after he hit them, merely instructing them to pick up the rocks (still blindfolded) as he kept throwing. Two and a half hours of this and the genin were too sore to move.

"Are you trying to kill us?" wailed Sakura. The last volley had been a ridiculous amount of fist, sized rocks. She was almost certain Kakashi was using some kind of throwing device.

"If I were an enemy and these rocks were kunai, you would have been dead a long time ago." Kakashi replied.

"So the point of this exercise is to teach us how to dodge objects without seeing them?"

"Exactly. You should be able to sense the rock before it reaches you."

Unbeknownst to Team 7, they were being observed and not by the wild animals; they cleared the area the minute Kakashi's throwing started to get a bit too enthusiastic. No, it was the ever-exuberant Maito Gai who had stopped by with the intention of challenging his rival to a game of badminton (2).

At first, he was going to rebuke his rival for child abuse, but then he noticed that (before being pummeled by more rocks than anyone but a jounin would be able to dodge) they were starting to get the hang of it. Inspiration struck…

"We're going to do what now?" Neji scowled.

"As I said," Gai enthused. "my eternal rival has currently engaged his students in some extreme, modern training! I will not fall behind! But, I will not simply copy his method. No, I shell go one step further! But first, you must don the blindfolds of youth! And no using your byakugan Neji, that would defeat the purpose of this training."

"You still haven't told us what the purpose is." Muttered TenTen, who put on her blindfold simply to avoid arguing with Gai. After all, you don't get into fights with pigs; you both get dirty but the pig enjoys it.

"Gai-sensei is so cool!" grinned Lee, who could barely contain himself as he put on his blindfold. Neji, figuring whatever was in store for them couldn't possibly be any worse than having to look at Gai pouting in his spandex suit, put on his blindfold.

"Good students!" nodded Gai, pleased with himself. "Now …prepare!" he hefted a boulder and threw it.

Now there are two things about observing training methods every martial arts master should remember: first of all, make sure you understand the purpose of the exercise and secondly, make doubly sure that you've seen the entire regimen before even contemplating on improving on it.

That said, let's go with Team 7 as they visit Gai's team in the hospital…

Sasuke was enjoying himself as he tormented Neji (who was in a body cast up to his neck and in traction) by tickling his nose with a feather.

"How did you end up like this in the first place?" Sakura asked. "Did Gai finally go crazy and decide to kill you all?"

"Gai-sensei would never do something so un-youthful as try to murder us!" Lee insisted. Somehow he only got both his legs broken while poor Neji and TenTen had both been completely crushed. "It's just that his new training was too much for us right now!"

"New training?" Naruto parroted. "Kakashi-sensei has us doing new training too."

"He got the idea from your sensei (Uchiha, knock it off) to begin with." Neji twitched, which was rather painful as his bones hadn't even begun to knit back together yet. He so desperately wanted to jyuuken Sasuke into next week for this. Said Uchiha had a very mischievous smirk on his face.

"Got it from Kakashi-sensei?" blinked Sakura.

Neji, between pleas to Sasuke to stop tickling his nose, recounted the entire incident. "The next thing I know something heavy landed on us."

"Okay," said Sasuke. "that guy, nucking futs. (3)" Sakura, Neji, and Naruto nodded in agreement.

_This training was actually inspired by the trailer for the movie Dodgeball (I didn't see the actual movie but I thought the trailer was kind of funny). Anyway, what kind of training shall we witness next? Only one way to find out, you've gotta wait for the next chapter!_

1) Stole this line from The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimly (the actual line is "I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Why do I think it will be similar?"). I miss that show, I must say! It was totally decent! My favorite episode is the one where Ed witnesses a robbery and has to testify against the guy in court.

2) I don't understand why we have badminton. Isn't tennis boring enough? (Please note tennis is only fun if you're actually playing, unless we're talking about Beer Tennis then watching is definitely more fun.)

3) Woo! Desert Punk line!


	4. Chapter 4

Ha Ha! The site's farked!11eleventy

A/N: I didn't intend to include movie and TV references but I can't seem to stop myself.

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Four: Snakes in a Bag  
By Kaori

Because of Gai's blundering it was decided that, to prevent any further incidents like that one from happening again, the other rookie teams were to attend Kakashi's training sessions.

Kakashi wasn't too happy about this but he didn't have a choice. In a way he felt a little insulted…for Asuma and Kurenai. Apparently Tsunade thought they were as stupid as Gai (1). Oh well, on the upside, there were more cute genin to torture.

Speaking of the rookies, they were standing on Team 7's bridge (2) with Gai, Kurenai and Asuma. Gai was there even though his team was still in the hospital. When asked about it he said he was not going to miss this opportunity to observe these new training methods. Kakashi showed up three hours late pushing a wheelbarrow. In the wheelbarrow were several burlap sacks. Hinata and Shikamaru weren't sure but they could've sworn the sacks had moved.

"Yo!" waved Kakashi.

"You're late!" screamed Naruto, Sakura, Ino and Kiba.

"Sorry but this dog dragged me to a burning barn and I had to save the children trapped inside. (3)"

"LIAR!"

"Well, let's get started shall we." Kakashi turned around and took one of the sacks out of the wheelbarrow. "Naruto come here." Warily, the blonde regarded his sensei before doing what he was asked. Kakashi knelt down and opened the sack. "Get in."

"Huh?" blinked Naruto.

"Get in." repeated Kakashi. Shaking his head, he prepared to put one of his legs in the sack but stopped after he got a look at what was in it. He blinked once, twice, three times and then screamed.

"SNAKES!" Everyone else's eyes bugged out. Naruto made to run but Kakashi grabbed him by the back of his jacket. "I'm not getting in that! You're crazy!"

"Stop squirming, they won't bite you." Kakashi stuffed him feet first into the sack, then tied it so only his head was sticking out. Naruto started jumping up and down.

"LEMME OUT!"

"I said the snakes won't bite you. Well, they won't if you keep calm. This is supposed to teach you how to keep you mind clear in adverse situations. Repeat after me, the snakes do not exist."

"LEMME OUT!"

"The snakes do not exist."

"LEMME OUT!"

At this point, the other teams, Sasuke, and Sakura had decided to make themselves scarce. After all, nobody wants to be put into a bag full of snakes (especially not Sasuke. The mental pictures alone were giving him problems). Unfortunately for all of them, Gai was all fired up about the training and, between him and Kakashi, managed to round them all up and shove them into sacks.

"Gai…Kakashi…"growled Kurenai. "When I get out of this sack you are dead!"

"None of these are poisonous, right?" Asuma asked worriedly he and Kurenai had been placed in the same sack.

"No. Well, except for the one in Shikamaru's sack…" mused Kakashi.

"AAGH!" screamed Shikamaru.

"_Why_ is there a poisonous snake in Shikamaru's sack?" Asuma demanded.

"He's a chuunin." Was the bland reply. "Now, hold still I'm going to hang the sacks from the bridge. Would you mind giving me a hand, Gai?"

Fortunately for everyone except Gai and Kakashi, Iruka happened to walk by as they were lowering Hinata (who had passed out a long time ago from fear) over the side of the bridge.

"How could you?" glared Iruka, as he let his former students out of the sacks. Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Kiba, and Sasuke had passed out from fright, Naruto, Shino, and Chouji just sat there and stared off into space (although this was not too unusual for Shino since it was hard to tell what he was looking at on a normal day), Kurenai was tending to the traumatized students, Gai had run away the second Iruka started yelling, and Asuma had taken Shikamaru to the hospital to get treated for poison. "What were you trying to do?" By way of answer, Kakashi opened the training manual and passed it to him.

It was opened to page two-hundred and forty in the section on focusing techniques. The idea was this: you placed the naked trainee into a sack full of cold snakes (since snakes are cold blooded, the cold would make them sluggish) and tie the opening around their neck. The snakes would immediately huddle towards their warm bodies, but will not bite unless the trainee squirms around. The trainee must remain utterly still and in deep meditation. This will increase their ability to focus during a crisis situation.

"I suppose I should be thankful they still have their clothes on." Mumbled Iruka, still angry. "But why were Kurenai and Asuma in sacks too?"

"Ah, well, they'd gotten in the way when Gai and I were rounding the students up." Kakashi said. "And Kurenai threatened to kill us so we thought it best to let them stay in the sack." He leered at the blackmail implications of that one statement.

"And the poisonous snake in Shikamaru's?"

"He's a chuunin. Don't you remember what you went through during your first year as a chuunin?"

"Don't remind me ever bring that up again. This isn't about me anyway. I should have you cited for child abuse." Snapped Iruka. "Does the Hokage know what you're doing?"

"Yes." That wasn't exactly a lie. Tsunade knew he was conducting training but she didn't know what that training actually entailed.

"And she's allowing this?" the Academy teacher was horrified.

"They're ninjas Iruka. I am merely preparing them for the perils they will encounter while traveling the road of life."

"You're a terrible liar, Kakashi."

_Today's training exercise is from Master with the Cracked Fingers, one of my favorite kung fu movies. This is Jackie Chan's first movie where he was in the lead role. Simon Yuen, the Drunken Master himself, is in it too; that guy is awesome._

1) FYI I don't really think Gai is stupid. He's just a bit overenthusiastic and I find his relationship with Lee almost as disturbing as Orochimaru's obsession with Sasuke. I don't know about the rest of you, but it seems to me that making a suicide pact with your student is way passed messed up.

2) I can't think of it any other way. It's _their_ bridge dammit!

3) Lassie reference.


	5. Chapter 5

We've covered Kakashi in crack and let him loose in the village. Let' s see if anyone notices…

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Five: Speed  
By Kaori

Students seemed to be dropping like flies due to "training", Shikamaru being the latest victim. He was going to be in the hospital for at least another two days; which was just fine with him. He could see the clouds very well from the window and he wouldn't have to go through any troublesome training for a while. Speaking of which…

Twitching and casting furtive glances, the teams and the sensei awaited Kakashi. All were dreading what the tardy maniac would make them do this time. Unbeknownst to them, Kakashi had been watching them all from a tree the entire time and decided to have some fun. Sneaking up behind them he let out a quiet, "Yo."

"AAGH!" shrieked the genin. Asuma and Kurenai glared at him and Gai seethed (why the hell does Kakashi have to be so cool). Before anyone could inflict bodily harm on his person, Kakashi waved the bag of chestnuts he brought with him in their faces.

"FOOD!" yelled Chouji, forgetting about being scared shitless. Kakashi sidestepped him.

"Not just yet. This is part of your training."

"If squirrels or birds factor into this at any point I am leaving." Sasuke stated adamantly.

"No squirrels or birds. Just fire."

"EH?"

Kakashi merely motioned for everyone to follow him to the training area. They were using Team 7s usual spot near the Memorial Stone. Kakashi made a small campfire and threw some of the nuts in it.

"Now watch." He said, kneeling down in front of the fire.

"What's he doing?" whispered Kiba.

"You're asking me?" hissed back Naruto.

"He's _your_ sensei."

"That doesn't mean a thing. Kaka-sensei's always been weird. I don't think anybody really gets him."

Unheeding of the conversation going on behind him, Kakashi raised both hands and then…

"Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!" faster than the average eye could follow, Kakashi thrust his hands in to the fire. When he pulled them out the final time, they were full of hot, roasted chestnuts. The observers clapped in appreciation. "This is what you will be doing. You must be fast enough to pull the chestnuts from the fire without burning your hand. With this training you should improve the speed of your punches a hundred fold."

"Ha! This will be a cinch." Snorted Kiba.

"Mmm…roasted chestnuts…" thought Chouji.

"Umm…sensei? Isn't there another way to get the same results?" ventured Ino, who didn't relish the thought of deliberately sticking her hands into a fire.

"Well, yes there is an alternate method…." Hummed Kakashi. "although I don't know where I'll find piranha at this time of day."

"Piranha?" squeaked Sakura.

"Yes. The alternate method is for you to try to grab all the piranha out of a tank before they remove all the flesh from your arms."

"…I think we'll stick with the chestnuts."

Each of the students were given a bag of chestnuts and the materials to light and tend to a campfire.

"This is impossible!" wailed Sakura as Kurenai tended to the third degree burns on her hands.

"This is easy." Grinned Chouji. Everyone turned to look and were shocked as Chouji easily plucked chestnut after chestnut out of his campfire. Asuma, recovering his senses, smirked triumphantly. That was _his_ student!

"It figures he'd do well once there was food involved." Muttered Ino, whose hesitancy had led to her fingers being somewhat singed.

Hinata was doing well also, the training for the Jyuuken seeing her through the exercise with minor burns. Sasuke so far had only managed to grab one chestnut but not without suffering second degree burns. Kiba and Naruto were equally determined to master this training and had the sever burns to prove it (Naruto having gotten so riled up he actually dove into the fire to get the chestnuts). Shino was outright refusing to participate, settling for watching the others.

"Are you sure you don't want to try the piranha tank?" Kakashi asked from the Memorial Stone, where he was eating roasted chestnuts.

"Positive." The genins hissed.

Kakashi called the other sensei over. He had an idea as to how to get the other genin at least on par with Hinata. Telling the genins it was time to break for lunch, they all headed for the Sukiyaki restaurant.

The pot was simmering cheerily in the middle of the table with the various meats and vegetables, and the noodles set around it. The group wasted no time putting their favorites into the pot. They chatted as they waited for the food to cook, and when it did, Kakashi's plan went into action.

Using the Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken, he quickly picked some of the choice cuts from the pot and put them in his bowl, then added some of the uncooked meat into the pot. Chouji, not wanting all the good meat to be eaten, also started picking food at rapid speed. Hinata, too polite to get involved in a fight of this nature, demurely picked what she could. The others, were not so forgiving, realizing that if they didn't act quickly, Kakashi and Chouji would get all the good parts and they'd get nothing but rice noodles.

Naruto, not having been brought up with many table-manners to begin with, quickly surpassed Chouji's speed in order to assure himself some of the pork. Kiba was not about to let himself be beaten and deftly snatched food from the pot. Sasuke, refusing to be outclassed by his "inferior" comrades, activated his Sharingan and used it to see who was grabbing for what and beat them to it. He got away with it for three minutes before Kakashi stopped him.

At this point, Kakashi noticed the flaw in this training. While the boys (with the exception of Shino), were more than happy to try and beat each other (mostly Chouji who was used to eating like this) to the delectable meat, the girls would politely wait until the boys had at least moved their chopsticks away before neatly plucking out the vegetables and noodles. Ino and Sakura's diets, and the Hyuuga family etiquette winning out over greed and delicious food. He would have to find some other way to get them up to speed…but how?

_Today's training is taken from Ranma ½. I thought about using the Neko-ken training but then I realized that Kakashi wouldn't be quite as foolhardy as Genma and would've actually read the part where it says "only a complete and utter moron would use this training method." Now then, after reading this last chapter, who can tell me what the next training exercise will be? I'll give you a hint: Iron Corset._


	6. Chapter 6

Yes, Kitsune Kit, you have to keep your pants on. If you take them off Orochimaru will show up and do unspeakable things to your rear end involving markers, butter, and a horny rhinoceros.

Irsool where are you when I need inspiration? My goodness, you're almost as deranged as me…

lia-lia even I don't know where this is going.

Does anybody know where I can get that picture of chibi Kakashi yelling "No pants!" in front of Iruka and Team 7?

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Six:  
By Kaori

Ino, Sakura, and Shino were sitting at a table looking very much maligned; especially Shino. Each one was wearing a tight, iron corset over their clothes and looked positively ridiculous. Sitting directly across from them were Naruto, Sasuke, Kiba, and Chouji who had not been forced to don the humiliating torture device for the female gender (1). Hinata was standing next to Kurenai.

"Okay, what the hell is this?" growled Ino. "And which one of you drugged me?"

"I did." Said Sasuke, mentally adding "and I'd do it again too only with something lethal." Bad Sasuke. Murder is not the answer.

Murder is the question. Yes is the answer.

"Why we are wearing these _things_?" Sakura's voice promised murder if she wasn't given a reasonable explanation. Predictably Kakashi wasn't going to provide one.

"You're wearing them because it's traditional. This is part of the ancient, secret art of Martial Arts Dining." Explained Kakashi.

"There is no such thing as Martial Arts Dining!" protested Ino and Sakura.

"Actually there is." Asuma corrected. "The Akimichi family practices a modified form of it (2)."

"Now, we've brought you here." Said Kakashi.

"After drugging all of you and making you skip both breakfast and lunch!" interrupted Gai,.

"….to recommence your training. Since these four," he motioned towards the four boys on the other side of the table. "have successfully completed their training, they will be helping with yours."

"So why don't they have to wear these idiotic things?" raged Ino.

"Like I said, they completed the training, although like you they weren't allowed to eat breakfast or lunch."

"It was horrible!" cried Chouji. "They even took away my chips!"

"We need you at your hungriest for this to work." Asuma said. "Be strong Chouji."

"Hai sensei…"

Kakashi then explained how the training would go. In simple terms it was a battle. A large dinner had been prepared and would be set out in front of them and they would have to serve themselves. However, while Shino and the girls try to eat, Sasuke, Naruto, Kiba, and Chouji would snatch it from them using Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken. They would have to find some way to either stop the boys from taking their food, or snatch food away from them. The explanation got mixed responses.

Ino and Sakura were outraged (naturally), Shino was frowning (which only seemed strange to everyone not on his team), Kiba was grinning, Naruto looked a bit uneasy, Sasuke didn't seem to care, and Chouji was excited.

Kurenai made a hand seal and five serving carts of food shimmered into existence.

"I thought I smelled food…" murmured Kiba as Hinata and Kurenai started setting out the dishes.

"Does anybody have anything they'd like to say before we get started?" asked Asuma.

"I just have one question," ventured Hinata. "w…what happens if they aren't f..fast enough?"

"Then they starve and we try this again tomorrow." Deadpanned Kakashi.

"WHAAAAAAAAT?" shrieked Sakura and Ino.

"And your parents have been instructed not to feed you until they get the okay from us. Also, we've taken the liberty of having the Hokage ban you from all restaurants and grocery stores until further notice." Gai gave them all the thumbs up. "Oh how I envy you! Such hardship is surely the epitome of youth! If only my wonderful students were here to partake in this! I weep for their misfortune!" Nobody felt like pointing out that it was his fault they were in there to begin with; especially since it would only set him off on another "Power of Youth" rant.

In the hospital, Neji, TenTen, and Lee sneezed.

"Gai-sensei must be talking about us!" grinned Lee.

"I hope not." Muttered Neji. "Especially since they're letting us out of the hospital in three days." TenTen shivered.

"He probably has some more of that so-called training waiting for us as soon as we get out."

"Yosh! Gai-sensei is so great he probably has devised a way to make the training ten times more effective!" Rock Lee was fired up. "He is so good to us!"

TenTen and Neji shared a look and then simultaneously through their bedpans at him.

Suddenly the door opened and in walked a black-haired, teenaged boy in a yellow shirt and matching bandanna, black pants, and carrying a large hiking pack and an umbrella on his back. He looked around the room wildly and then exclaimed, "Where the hell am I now!"(3) A nurse suddenly appeared behind him.

"Hey you! How did you get in here?" she demanded.

"Eep!" squeaked the boy and he dashed for the window and jumped out of it.

"Aren't we on the sixth floor?" asked TenTen. The nurse scrambled over to window and gawked as she saw the young man sprinting off towards the west gate. Looking straight down, she could see a decent sized crater in the pavement.

"Who _was_ that guy?" wondered Neji.

While we're at the hospital, we might as well look in on Shikamaru…

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz….snort…sniff (rolls over)…ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz…"

Lazy sonofa….anyway, meanwhile back at the ranch…er training field things are getting pretty heated. At first, the girls didn't seem to take things seriously, but Naruto and the other boys weren't about to let themselves starve and it soon became apparent that they were going to have to fight if they didn't want to be subjected to this again tomorrow.

Kiba was targeting Shino, who would counterattack by stealing the food off of Kiba's plate while he was preoccupied; Naruto mostly stole from Ino but would occasionally go after Shino (and would usually end up with insects instead of food); Sasuke and Chouji stole food from everybody including Naruto and Kiba.

Out of the corset-clad genin, Sakura seemed to be doing the best with the exercise. She'd managed to fend off Naruto and Kiba successfully, and snatch food out of Sasuke's chopsticks a few times (and then try to feed him but Sasuke and Ino weren't having that (especially Ino) and would divert her chopsticks so she'd end up feeding Chouji or Naruto (neither boy minded in the slightest).

Ino was doing her utmost to get as much food as she could by stealing it from Sakura's plate as well as fending off her attackers. Unlike Sakura, whenever Sasuke stole food from her she'd try and get it back.

However, it didn't take too long for things to degenerate into a food fight, and let the record show that even though it was an accident, Shino started it (4).

Bowls of rice and handfuls of baked potatoes flew across the table at a breakneck pace. Amazingly, no one was getting dirty. Everything that was being thrown was caught and hurled right back via Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken or ending up in Chouji's mouth as he was deftly plucking food out of mid-air. As a consequence, it all came down to the last piece of food: a slice of chocolate cake.

They all stared each other down, waiting for someone to make a move. Fingers twitching, forks at the ready casting furtive glances at each other. Somebody would be having dessert today and everyone was thinking it would be then.

"AHOU! AHOU! (5)" a crow suddenly swooped down from the trees and snatched up the cake.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed the genin (except Shino because Shino is cool like that). Chouji got up and started chasing the crow.

"NO ONE TAKES THE LAST BITE FROM ME!" he yelled. "STOP! THIEF!"

"Well that was anti-climatic, but good job everyone." Kakashi said. "You've mastered the technique quite well. Unfortunately I have some bad news. Sakura, Shino, Ino… I lost the key to unlock the corsets."

The killing intent was so thick you could cut it with a stick.

TenTen looked up from her magazine. "Do you guys here screaming?" she asked. Lee and Neji shook their heads.

Down the hall, Shikamru woke up and glared at the window. Why can't people be in pain more quietly?

_Today's training is again from Ranma ½, although instead of learning Parle du Foie Gras like Ranma, the training is used to get them to use Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken. I guess we can call it Inverse Parle du Foie Gras since the purpose is to grab food to stuff into your own mouth. Anyway that does it for this chapter so for now I leave you with this:_

Mom: (sitting in the TV Room after her foot surgery)

Me: (poke my head in and point at her feet) No more DDR for you for a while.

Mom: (laughs) Don't worry, I'll be back at it once the doctor gives the okay.

Me: Drat, now I have to buy an extra mat…

FYI: My mom's 57.

1) A corset is an incredibly torturous thing to wear especially if it was not custom made to fit you.

2) This is my own suspicion. I believe that instead of large mouths being passed down, their genes produce stomachs that expand to accommodate large quantities of food.

3) Hibiki Ryoga, The Eternally Lost Boy. My friends and I have a theory that Ryoga has the ability to cross dimensions. In fact I started to write a fanfiction about it but I got stuck when he ended up in Excel Saga.

4) Exactly how it got started is completely up to you, I have no intention of telling.

Damn but I love that crow!


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you one and all for the links. Thanks to you I was finally able to confirm that Sasuke is in fact mumbling "Must remove pants."

Side Note: Kaori will be at Otakon this Saturday. She'll be the one wearing boy's jeans and a Desert Punk cap. If you spot her and have the guts to yell "YARD CHICKEN" at the top of your lungs, she may decide to talk to you (or con you into carrying her crap for her).

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Seven: Improving Concentration  
By Kaori

"All right, once again we'll be working on your mental defenses." Intoned Kakashi from his wheelchair. The doctor said he was lucky they only severed his thumbs ( courtesy of Ino; Sakura stuck them up his nose afterwards), broke his legs and shoved a log up his…well we won't go there (damn, Shino is brutal) but after all that they took of his pants and used them to hang him by his wrists from the roof of a lingerie store. His thumbs had been successfully reattached and Tsuande said she'd fix his legs when she could look at him without laughing. In the meantime, Jiraiya managed to get the corsets off the unhappy trio (he seems to be overly familiar with women's undergarments… something must be done about that…).

"Didn't we do this already?" whined Naruto.

"Yes, but you all still suck at it so we're going with a new approach."

"Already I don't like this." Muttered Ino. She was dutifully ignored.

"Now before we get started I'd like to welcome Shikamaru back from the hospital." There was scattered applause for the lone chuunin. "I'm also glad to say that Iruka has cancelled the contract on my life."

"What about me?" asked Gai.

"Iruka figures the ninjas he hired will either kill you or will be so repulsed by you that they pay him to cancel the contract." Said Asuma. Gai actually managed to look offended.

"Back to the matter at hand…"interrupted Kurenai. "In order to improve your concentration we're going to be giving each of you a wooden jigsaw puzzle. Don't be fooled though, these puzzles are anything but ordinary."

"What do you mean?" asked Kiba.

"The jigsaw puzzle is 3-dimensional and the pieces will not stay together until the last piece is placed."

"Then how the heck are we supposed to assemble it?" fumed Ino.

"Chakra control." Kakashi replied. "You must use your chakra to keep the puzzle from falling apart before you finish. It doesn't take much to keep it assembled, but you will need to divide your attention between keeping the puzzle together and figuring out the solution." He said as Gai handed each student a box. "Oh, and you each have a different puzzle so don't think about watching someone else to get the solution."

Deciding that distractions were a bad idea, everyone went off to their own little section of the clearing to do their training. Ha! Like that was going to help?

Twenty minutes into the exercise, Shikamaru was about to put the last two pieces into his puzzle when…

"Suiton: Daibakufu no Jutsu!"

"AAARRRRGGGBBBBBLLBBLLL!" Shikamaru and his puzzle were washed away by a torrent of water. "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?" This caused everyone else to loose their concentration in shock and their puzzles fell to the ground.

"What?" blinked Kakashi seemingly unaffected by the young chuunin's outburst but was inwardly as shocked as everybody else. "Surely you didn't expect us to leave you alone did you? A ninja must endure what others cannot. On the battlefield you have no time to be distracted, you must remain focused at all times. Now, begin again."

"Pig-fucking son of an incontinent cockroach…(1)"growled Shikamaru.

"Shikamaru!" gasped Chouji and Ino.

"Tsk…so troublesome."

The puzzle assembly process went on for another forty-five minutes without any interruptions. Then, as Sasuke reached the halfway point, Gai came out of nowhere and pantsed him.

"THE HELL!" yelped Sauske, desperately grabbing at his pants. Ino and Sakura immediately turned to look and got quite a nice view of Sasuke's rear clad in Uchiha clan boxer shorts.

"GYEEEEE!" they squealed and then promptly fainted from excitement. Naruto, wanting to know what all the screaming was about, looked over to see Sasuke still trying to pull his pants up (Gai must have done something) and fell over laughing. Naturally, this got Kiba and Hinata's attention. Kiba cracked up and Hinata fainted from embarrassment.

Sasuke, completely humiliated now, glared at Gai. "And you wonder why Neji hates you."

Fifteen minutes later. "HAIL THE PIE PEOPLE!(2)"

"The hell?" muttered Kiba. The next thing anyone knew it was raining pie. Chouji completely forgot about the puzzle and concentrated on getting as much pie into his mouth as possible. Everyone else just wanted not to be covered in pie and were frantically running around dodging. However, none of this could save them from the bees…

"Who makes a pie out of treacle?" screamed Sakura.

"Shino! Save us!" wailed Kiba.

"No. (3)"

"Bastard!"

And so it went throughout the day. The genins would try to assemble their respective puzzles, and the jounins would do something outrageous to make them loose their concentration. It was only a matter of time before someone snapped…

"YOU ALL DIE NOW!" raged Hinata.

"Run for your lives! Hinata-chan's lost it!" wailed Naruto as he scrambled up a nearby tree.

Five minutes ago, Hinata was just about to put the last piece onto her puzzle (Darth Vader) when Asuma snuck up behind her and covered her in tomato paste. Then everything went Carrie (4).

Hinata started by jyuukening Asuma into the ground. When Sakura and Ino tried to calm her down, they were sent flying into a tree. Nobody quite saw what she did to Kakashi but we can say that Tsunade won't just have to fix his legs.

Sasuke, deciding he didn't want to get involved tried to run for it but ended up attracting Hinata's attention and got jyuukened straight into Kurenai. Kiba and Shikamaru were her next victims; the medic nins had a hell of a time getting them out of the pretzel-like shape she'd twisted them into. Shikamaru evaded detection simply by falling into the bushes and taking a power nap.

Now, she was after Naruto and closing in fast and the poor boy had nowhere to run.

"H..Hinata..n…n…now don't do..a….anything…crazy now!" stammered Naruto, backing up against a boulder.

"Crazy? Crazy?" twitched the bluenette. "Oh you don't know what crazy is…but I'm going to show you…oh yes…show you _real_ good…" a senbon suddenly slammed into her neck. "…meep." She dropped like a sack of bricks and Naruto joined her in relieved unconsciousness."

"It's about time you did something, Genma." Croaked Kakashi. "Do you get off on watching people suffer?"

"Wouldn't you just love to know?" said Genma from his spot in a nearby tree.

_This training is actually based on the game show Distraction. I don't know if they ever actually did something like this exactly but in the show, contestants would have to answer questions while the host and his accomplices did horrible/funny things to them (like breaking glass bottles over their heads or giving them a lap dance) or while doing horrible things to themselves (like putting clothespins on their face). I don't know if the show is still running but I found it very amusing the first and only time I got to watch it._

1)Somehow, to me, Shikamaru looks like the kind of person who (when you tick him off enough) can curse like an old sailor. Shino too, but you know he's not going to do it.

2)This line is from an old Gundam Wing fanfiction that I forget the name of. I actually wrote this on the message boards of half the doors on my floor in college one April Fool's Day. The other half said "Bald man strikes again."

3) Small homage to Link and Luigi.

4) Great movie. Never pick on the outcasts, you never know when one of them will go psycho.


	8. Chapter 8

Update on the animation of the Shinobi's Guide series: Well, it would seem you all are going to have to suffer through my crappy artwork because I can't find anyone to do the drawing for me. This means that it is going to take me a lot longer to animate because 1) I have a full-time job and when I get home I am farked 2) I spend most of Saturday sleeping like a dead person, and Sunday agonizing about Monday. So yeah, this might take some time.

Kakashi and Sandaime Hokage: Panty raid!

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Eight: Fun House  
By Kaori

"Naruto, you're my friend, right?" Neji asked.

"Yeah…" Naruto wasn't sure where this was going but he would go with it for now.

"And friends help each other in their time of need, right?"

"Yeah…"

"And since you're my friend you'll help me if I need you to, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Good. Then do me a favor and break my legs." This got the attention of the other rookies and they watched the exchange like a tennis match.

"The hell? I can't do that! Why don't you ask Sasuke? He hates you."

"I know. But I can't trust him not to kill me, that is why I am asking you."

"Hey, if you break his legs you gotta break mine too!" protested Kiba.

"The hell! I'm not breaking anybody's legs." Interjected Naruto.

"I thought you said you were my friend!"

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Enough!" groaned Kurenai. "Nobody is breaking anybody's legs!" She massaged her temples.

"So, what are we doing exactly?" Sakura asked only to be glared at by Sasuke and Neji; the others simply resigned themselves to the fact that they would be tortured and humiliated some more.

"You're going to be training your senses." Asuma took a drag from his cigarette. "Any questions before we take you to the place where you will be training?"

"When's Kaka-sensei getting out of the hospital?" asked the hyperactive ninja.

"As soon as they figure out how to get him to stop barricading himself in the nearest room whenever someone mentions Hinata." Those standing in the clearing faintly heard the sounds of someone screaming followed by Tsunade yelling "Hatake Kakashi get out of my bathroom!"

The twelve disciples were ushered to a large building on the outskirts of the forest surrounding the village. This in itself wasn't so strange until you got closer.

"Hey this place has no windows." Observed Ino.

"Oh it has windows all right, but you have to know where to look for them." Kurenai said. The rookies gave her a quizzical look. "You'll find out once you're inside." Shikamaru arched an eyebrow.

"Once "you're inside" meaning you aren't coming?"

"Of course not, this is your training not ours."

"Now off you go!" cheered Gai, and suddenly all twelve teenagers were thrown through the door of the black-painted building landing in an unceremonious heap. The door closed and locked behind them and they were left lying in the dark.

"Would you bastards get off of me?" snarled Neji, the unfortunate person at the bottom of the pile.

"Whose hand is that?" demanded Sakura.

"…sorry." Muttered Shino.

"Neji, Hinata, can you guys see anything?" ventured Naruto.

"Byakugan can't see in the dark, dobe." Snorted Sasuke.

"Shut up, teme I wasn't asking you! Your sharingan can't see in the dark either so there!"

"Don't talk to Sasuke-kun like that!" chorused Ino and Sakura.

THWACK!

"What'd you hit _me _for?" growled Neji. The girls chuckled nervously.

"Arf!" yelped Akamaru.

"Shikamaru, Akamaru says you're crushing him." Kiba translated.

"Well I can't move, TenTen's lying on me." Sighed Shikamaru.

"How do you know that's TenTen?"

"The weight. Chouji's bigger around the middle and if Lee was lying on me I don't think I'd be able to breath quite so well."

"Who is sitting on me?" asked Lee.

"Anou…I think I am, Lee-san." Ventured Hinata.

"Hold on, I'll check…"

"Ow! Lee! Why'd you pinch me?" Naruto cried out.

"Ah, sorry Naruto I thought you were Hinata."

"Hinata's on the other side of me, I think we're both sitting on you." A faint, red glow appeared about shoulder-level to Naruto. "Ne, Hinata? Are you okay? Man, you're so red I can see you." (1) THUMP! "Hinata! Oh man, she fainted…"

They'd finally sorted themselves out and were now stood in the pitch-black darkness trying to figure out what was happening to them.

"Okay, we're in a dark room that apparently distorts the direction where sounds are coming from." Shikamaru surmised.

"Distorts the direction of sounds? How do you figure that?" asked TenTen.

"Earlier Sakura and Ino hit Neji thinking he was Naruto. From what I could guess, Naruto was actually on the top of the dog pile."

"So we can't trust our ears," Shino stated. "and we can't see where we're walking."

"So what do we do?" wondered Hinata.

"Well…" drawled Sasuke. "when you can't trust your eyes or your ears, use your nose."(2)

"We've got you all beat in that department!" you could hear the triumphant smirk in Kiba's voice. "Right, Akamaru?" The puppy barked in response.

"That won't work." Neji pointed out. "There's no breeze in here to carry a scent and all the air in here is stale. I bet that door hasn't been opened in some time."

"Damn, so now what do we do?" groused Naruto.

"Well, failing that, there's always your sense of touch. We can apply the maze principal here." Shikamaru said.

"Which is…" prompted Ino.

"So troublesome. Find a wall and follow it, you'll eventually find an exit." (3)

Stumbling around in the dark, they did manage to find a wall but came across another stumbling block.

"There's only one door and it's been locked from the outside." Lee said.

"That must be the door we came in through." mused Sasuke.

"Uchiha don't end your sentences with prepositions." Sighed Neji.

"Shut up Hyuuga."

"This is almost like one of those lateral thinking puzzles that only Shimamaru gets." Groaned Ino. "We're in a dark room with no light, no windows, and a locked door with no clue what we are supposed to be doing."

"All right, priority one, get the freakin' door open." Snarled Kiba. They heard the distinct sizzle of an explosive tag.

"ARE YOU INSANE!" screamed everyone else.

BOOM!

Outside, the jounins watched impassively as smoke filtered out from the numerous camouflaged slats in the walls.

"Wow, I thought sure they'd try to blow up the door sooner." Hummed Asuma.

Inside the building, the twelve teenagers tried to stop coughing; the smoldering door which (they were now discovering) had been coated with a foul-smelling concoction that smoked like nobody's business.

"(hack cough) Well that was a stupid idea…" choked Sasuke. "…but what else can you expect from Kiba."

"Shut up (cough gasp) you bastard. Like you could (cough cough cough) do better." Retorted Kiba.

Eventually the door stopped smoking and they could all breathe again. Predictably it was still dark.

"This is really starting to piss me off…"growled Naruto. "How are we supposed to get out of here." He stamped his foot and there was a metallic clang. "What the hell?" He stomped his foot again, and the floor made the same sound. He knelt down and felt along the floor. "Hey guys, there's a trap door down here!"

_Well it appears that they have a way out of the room, but where does this path lead? What could their senseis be thinking? And what of Kakashi? Will he stop hiding in the nearest room whenever someone even utters the name Hinata? _(Kakashi screams. Sounds of running feet and a door locking). _What the crap? Kakashi you can't hide in my mother's bedroom!_ (Kakashi: Ooh, whirlpool bath. (sounds of water running)). _No! Get out of my mother's bathroom! Out! _(Kakashi: You know you could always join me…) _…fine let me get my rubber duck..._ (Kakashi: I win.) …_and my swimsuit._ (Kakashi:…I still win).

1) Okay I think I'd better explain this scene a bit. Neji's on the bottom, Ino Chouji, and Sakura are on top of him. Kiba, Shino and Akamaru are on top of them. Lee, Sasuke, and TenTen are on top of those three, and Naruto and Hinata are both sitting on Lee.

2) Sasuke basically just quoted what Kakashi said to Zabuza even though he never actually heard it. The line is appropriate nevertheless.

3) I'm not sure if that's what it's actually called but I've applied the principal to several maze puzzles and it works. It's not the fastest way but it does work.


	9. Chapter 9

And now a bit of online banter:

Kaori: If I'm still working at the bank in 2009 I want you to shoot me.

Rei: What happened this time?

Kaori: I envy you, people don't make you work on Saturdays just because they happen to be going on vacation and don't know how to organize their time to get their desk reasonably clear before Friday.

Rei: Your boss sounds like a scatterbrain.

Kaori: Not to mention has no life and insists on sucking it out of me.

Rei: Oh well, snakes on a plane.

Kaori: Motherfarking pythons to boot…

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Nine: Twelve Chambers of Shaolin (not really)  
By Kaori

There was light in this room. It was just bright enough to see the words written on the wall scroll they were now facing.

"Congratulations on getting out of the first room." Sakura read aloud. "Be warned however that the real challenge begins now. Behind this scroll is the door leading into the First Trial. Please note that the only way out of this building is to get through all the trials."

Not reassured in the slightest but having no other options at this point, the twelve pushed the scroll aside and stepped into the next chamber.

They stood on a ledge overlooking a massive pit that was about two hundred feet wide and so dark you couldn't see the bottom; but there had to be one because scattered within the gaping hole were a number of pedestals set up in an unusual pattern. Out of curiosity (and because someone _always_ does it in this situation) Lee took out a shuriken and dropped it into the pit. Everyone leaned over slightly and listened for a few minutes.

Ten minutes later they were still waiting to hear something.

"That's a deep freaking hole." Said Kiba. Akamaru whined in agreement.

"Enough sightseeing, let's get to the other side already." Sasuke said, irritably, and jumped towards the nearest pedestal. The second his foot touched it, it began to sway dangerously. "Woah!"

"Sasuke-kun!" wailed Ino and Sakura in unison as Sasuke flailed his arms around like an epileptic hula dancer. Eventually he managed to stabilize himself and the column he was standing on.

"Ah, it is a test of balance then." Hummed Shino. "You have to keep the pillar and yourself from falling into the abyss."

"Can't you use a less creepy tone of voice?" Naruto grimaced.

"What's wrong, usurotonkachi? Thinking about what a klutz you are?" taunted Sasuke.

"Shut up teme! I'll show you who the klutz is!"

It was then that they heard the sound of the shuriken hitting the bottom of the pit.

"Just remember, if you fall in it'll take you weeks to climb back out."

"Say that after you've made it all the way across, teme."

One would think that being used to jumping from tree to tree like squirrels on crack would mean this would be a simple task, but that is not the case. You see trees are, usually, stationary objects (and some get turned into stationery objects (1)) and these pillars started falling over the second something landed on them. This meant that not only did you have to land on the pillar, you had to stop it from swaying so you didn't fall into the pit.

Lee, not bothered in the least by the lack of stability, was the first to reach the end and waited patiently for everyone else to catch up. Shino, TenTen, Hinata, and Neji weren't too far behind. Sasuke was miffed by this and tried to speed up his advance. Consequently, he couldn't recover his balance fast enough and ended up falling. Eyes wide and panicking, he glomped onto the nearest pillar like a koala and hung on for dear life. Unfortunately, the pillar he was holding ended up swaying.

"Dammit…" seethed Sasuke, gathering chakra into his legs and leaping to the nearest pillar also setting it swaying. He continued jumping from pillar to pillar until he got close enough to the ledge Lee was standing on and then aimed for that, barely managing to catch the edge and haul himself up.

"Sasuke you bastard!" yelled Kiba. "You've set them all swaying now!"

"Bark!" agreed Akamaru.

"Deal with it!" Sasuke yelled back.

And deal with it they did.

"Gatsuuga!" Kiba used his technique to propel himself forward and purposely knocked Sasuke over.

"Why you…" Sasuke got up and tackled Kiba and they started fighting. Neji watched for a while and then nonchalantly kicked them both over the side.

"AAGH!" both boys yelped, scrabbled at the ledge and pulled themselves up. Once the color returned to their faces they glared at the Hyuuga boy who glared right back.

"This is not the time to be fighting amongst ourselves."

Sakura used her perfect chakra control to stick to the pillars and then timed her jumps so she would land dead center. Once she was on a pillar she'd steady it. The Ino Shika Cho merely followed in her wake.

Naruto's solution was far more creative…

"Taiju kage bunshin no jutsu!" A series of clones appeared on the pillars (he formed one directly behind himself) towards the ledge everyone was standing on. "Henge!" The original transformed into a kunai and the clone picked it up and threw it towards the next clone who caught it. This continued until the last clone when Naruto deactivated his henge and merely jumped over to the ledge. "Ta da!" he cheered, and suddenly the floor opened up underneath all of them and they fell screaming into the darkness.

Twenty-five minutes later…

"Oww…" groaned TenTen.

"I think I landed on my keys…" Naruto moaned.

"Where are we?" Chouji asked.

They all looked around the area. They were sitting on a small island in the middle of an underground lake. The water was clear but it gave off an odd odor and it was so hot in the cave that Kiba, Shino, Hinata, and Naruto had to take off their jackets. There was a sign in the middle of the island.

"Congratulations of passing the First Trial." Read TenTen. "The second trial begins now. You must find a way off of this island."

"Ha, this is too easy, we'll just swim!" snorted Kiba.

Everyone soon discovered why this was a bad idea…

"AAAAGH! HOT HOT HOT!" everyone screamed.

Outside the building, the jounins were playing Go Fish when they heard the yelling.

"Kurenai! Do you have any fours?" asked Gai.

"Go fish." She deadpanned. "Asuma do you have any kings?"

"Damn…" he handed over the cards. "Judging by the screaming and cursing I guess they've found the old sulfur baths."

"It's a shame that they had to close it because it got too hot." Sighed Gai. "It was truly a most relaxing area!"

Sitting in the sweltering hot enclosure trying desperately not to pass out from heat stroke, the rookies attempted to formulate a plan but could only think "damn it's hot."

"We're all going to die in here…" moaned Neji. "We're going to die in here and it's all your stupid sensei's fault Uchiha!"

"At least I have the satisfaction of dying knowing that you'll be dead too." Sasuke spat.

"Hey, I don't want to spend my afterlife with you two bastards." griped Kiba.

"Guys, please. It's too hot to argue." Sighed Shikamaru.

"Seriously…" Sakura agreed glancing over at Naruto. "Naruto, what are you doing?" This drew everyone else's attention to the blonde-haired boy.

Naruto was sitting in the lotus pose with his eyes closed and his hands in a toh seal (2), his shirt was folded up neatly with his jacket and both were on his head. He cracked an eye open. "I'm trying to use that training Kaka-sensei gave us on keeping focused in a crisis."

"Which one? The one where he kept hitting us over the head and making us fall in the water during meditation or the one with the snakes in a bag?" asked Sasuke.

"Er…a combination of both."

"Your sensei hit you?" Ino apparently is too overheated to pay attention to the correct part of the conversation. "Even Forehead Girl?"

"What's the big deal? Gai-sensei hits me all the time!" (3)Lee blinked.

"That explains a lot…"

"I..is it…helping, N..Naruto?" stammered Hinata fanning herself.

"Hmm? Is she red because of the heat or because she just noticed Naruto has his shirt off?" wondered Shino.

"I guess so, I don't feel as hot as I did." Naruto admitted.

"I suppose it's worth a shot." Shrugged Neji.

"We should be concentrating on getting out of here, not relaxing!" Sasuke interjected.

"Well we can't think while our brains are cooking." Snarled Kiba, settling into the lotus position. "You can fry if you want to but I'm going to do what I can to keep cool."

Sasuke watched as the others settled down and then gave up and joined them. It was too hot to argue anyway.

An hour went by and Sakura, who was getting a cramp in her leg, decided to get up and stretch. She was surprised to notice that the water level had gone down.

"Hey guys! Look!" she said. "And I think there are some stepping stones under the surface."

"So that means all we have to do is wait until all the water recedes some more before we can go on our way!" cheered TenTen.

It wasn't too long before the water was low enough for them to walk on the stepping-stones. Oddly enough, the rocks were placed in the same pattern as the ones in the previous room. Not sure if this was significant or not, the rookies started to cross the lake. Immediately after stepping onto the course, a large rock came crashing down from the ceiling would have landed on them if they hadn't jumped out of the way. They had no time to relax as another rock came hurtling from above.

"MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" yelled Shikamaru.

They hoped from rock to rock barely avoiding being flattened by falling stone. They didn't stop running until they reached the safety of the third room.

This room looked like it was completely empty except for a rope and a sign hanging from the ceiling that said: Third and Final Trial – Pull rope.

"There's no way I'm falling for that old trick again." Growled Naruto.

"What do you mean?" Chouji asked, reaching for the rope. "It's just a rope." Naruto tackled him to the floor. "What are you doing?"

"Fool! It's never "just a rope"! It starts off with the rope, but before you know it, washtubs and anvils are falling on your head!"

"You watch too many cartoons." Deadpanned Sakura, and she pulled the rope. Naruto crouched down and covered his head. This action proved futile as the walls opened up exposing row upon row of holes.

"I don't like the looks of this…" and then came the arrows.

The jounins, bored with playing Go Fish, were enjoying the picnic lunch they'd brought along when the ground eleven feet away opened up, revealing a trap door, out of which twelve tired, angry, and scratched up teenagers emerged….and immediately set upon their unsuspecting teachers with all the fury they could muster. Even Lee, who was caught up in the moment, helped.

Eleven tired genin and one tired chuuin are no match for three well-rested jounin and they were easily subdued.

"Have any of you figured out the purpose of this training?" Asuma asked, heedless of the glares he was getting.

"You're trying to kill us?" seethed Ino.

"No."

"This training was meant to improve your agility and speed your reaction time!" Gai posed. "You should be able to dodge most medium speed projectiles without trouble! Also, the time you have spent in each other's company has most definitely brought your youthful hearts closer! Oh…bonds of friendship are truly the sweet nectar of youth!" Lee was tearing up.

"Oh Ga-sensei!"

"Lee!" The two spandex-clad men embraced and as usual it was disturbing.

"By the way, what was the deal with the pattern of the rocks in that place?" asked Shikamaru. "I noticed that the arrows forced us to move in pretty much the same pattern."

"That?" blinked Kurenai. "The person who constructed the place just thought it looked cool."

_Today's training is inspired by the trap houses that appear in some Kung-fu movies. Next time, things go back to normal for the rookies and we find out whether or not they learned anything useful._

1) A little word play. A droll pun my English teacher in primary school used once.

2) One of nine hand primary seals used by real ninjas (originally used by Buddhist monks) in the Kuji-In or Nine Syllable Mudra (Rin, Kyo, Toh, Sha, Kai, Retsu, Zai, Zen); there are 81 in total. The toh (harmony) seal is for gaining oneness with the universe, balance and protection. Naruto is using that particular hand sign because it looks like the dragon seal and most dragons (if I'm up on my mythology) are resistant to heat. :P

3) Is it just me, or does this make Lee sound like thinks child abuse is normal?


	10. Chapter 10

"_Every time I see you coming I feel sick  
__But at least I know your ass is mine to kick  
__Why don't you bend that fat load over  
__Hold it steady  
__Zorak's ready  
__To kick your ass_!"

- Kick Your Ass, Zorak

The Shinobi's Guide to Training  
Part Ten: Genesis of Heck  
By Kaori

Tsunade decided enough was enough when Kakashi was discovered cowering underneath her official robes during a treaty agreement with an outlying mercenary village. Feeling that the best way to get over your fears is to face it, she locked Kakashi in a room with Hinata for three weeks.

Hyuuga Hiashi was not happy with this as he felt that having Kakashi fear Hinata might do something for the Hyuuga heiress' reputation. Imagine it: Hyuuga Hinata, feared by even the Copy Ninja! Tsunade pointed out that most people were saying that Hinata was secretly evil and all that nervous finger pointing was really just to cover up the fact that she was plotting to inflict stabbity death (1) on them all.

Anyway, Naruto had had more than he could stomach of the jounins' shenanigans and insisted that the Hokage put a stop to it. Tsunade agreed that it was getting old and to make it up to them all, they could have a C-class mission.

Sakura was less than happy when Naruto came back with the "good news" remembering the last time they had a mission of that level.

"B..but Sakura-chan," warbled Naruto. "All we have to do is take the place of the Konoha Dodge Ball Team (2) next week."

"Are you sure that's all?" she glared, causing Lee to hide behind Neji.

"Sakura-chan is scary."

"You're just noticing now?" Shikamaru rolled her eyes.

"What was that?" Sakura was now directing her wrath against the chuunin.

"It's too troublesome to repeat myself."

"I'll show you troublesome…"

"Can't we all just get along?" wailed Lee. "The flames of youth are not to be used against good friends!"

Everyone stopped suddenly to stare at each other.

"_Are_ we good friends?" Ino asked slowly. "Lately all we seem to do is beat the crap out of each other."

"Hey, for most guys that _is_ friendship." Neji said dryly.

"If that's the case, Sasuke and Naruto must be _really_ good friends." Nodded Kiba. Naruto and Sasuke kicked him.

"Don't even joke about that!" both boys yelled. A puff of smoke appeared behind the two and out stepped Kakashi.

"Yo." He waved.

"What do you want?" Shikamru asked. "Haven't you tortured us enough?"

"How rude. I just wanted to let you know that we shall be going back to the regular training regimen after you all are done with your mission." Naruto made a face.

"Oh really?"

"Yes. But before that…" Suddenly a hail of rocks flew in from nowhere, startling the rookies.

"Gah! Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!" they shrieked. All the rocks were either caught and thrown back to the point of origin, or punched to dust. Panting the teenagers rounded on Kakashi.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

"Calm down, it was only a test of your abilities." Eye-smiled the jounin. "A ninja must be prepared for anything,." A second volley of rocks screamed through the air. "especially sudden attacks." And before any of the rookies could blink, a tremendous boulder flattened them. Kakashi shook his head. "It seems they still haven't gotten that sensory training down. Oh well." He took out Icha Icha Paradise. "Now where was I?"

"REVENGE!" twelve voices chorused from the bushes. Apparently, the rookies under the boulder were just kage bunshin and now the rookies were out for blood. Poor Kakashi, he'll have to take it like a man.

"Tie him up tighter TenTen." Growled Neji. "Lee hold his arms!"

"Yosh!"

"Hinata, get me a log." Said Shino.

"NO! Not the log again!" screamed Kakashi.

You know, when I said that Kakashi would have to take it like a man, that wasn't exactly what I meant…

_Yeah, I know, the ending is lame out but my head is so full of ideas for my next fanfic that I this was the only ending I could come up with. Anyway, the next Shinobi Guide may be a lot shorter and for the first time, you all get to find out what it's about in advance. Coming up next: The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu._

1) The phrase "stabbity death" comes from 8-Bit Theater, one of the most hilarious sprite comics on the Internet (and no they didn't pay me to plug it, they don't need me to, it's that good).

2) We had a debate and it was decided that the top three games ninjas would play are: Hide, Seek, & Destroy, Dodge Ball, and Tag.


End file.
